As I joined a healing seminar about the character of God, I learned more than ever how to come closer to Him as well as to reveal the pain of abortion to his wonderful light. Shame and fear followed my life since I performed the abortion, I could not share it with my family for many years to follow. I was living a double life; one had feelings of shame, of being an orphan, loneliness, guilt, fear, and self-pity. The other ‘life’ was as if everything was fine in my life. Keeping the secret of my two abortions took a lot of energy from me.

On the fifth week of the seminar, a will awakened inside of me to share about my abortions with my husband. This was after thirty-five years of marriage. It was a first sign for me that I also wanted to complete this double life and to start having a real relationship without masks and pretenses. I realized that receiving forgiveness reconciled me to God but also reconciled me to my husband and later to my children. I felt like a heavy weight was lifted off of me. The secret went from the dark box of my heart to the light. What a relief!

In the seminar, I went through the process of being forgiven, even though I deserved death myself. As the process of healing went on during the seminar I was disconnected from my aborted babies. But when I wrote a poem about my babies it brought all my maternity feelings for my lost children that I never recognized before. Through this poem it helped me to connect to them emotionally I also felt that I closed a circle in my life. And that I finally received peace in my soul and my spirit.